Don't Say It Out Loud

First things first. Sartharion with 3 drakes is dead. The screenshot is terrible, I know. My first plan was to photoshop Boxxy onto it, but after several days I realized that joke wasn't going anywhere. So instead we have the original screenshot as is, unflattering as it may be.

Sartharion 3-Drake Kill

Then again, there is something of value in killshots like this. Ok, imagine a war. This is basically a photograph of a battlefield. You see the soldiers, battered but victorious, some of them not looking at the camera, some of them dead, some in several pieces. Regular killshots, cleaned up and cropped and airbrushed, are like the soldiers standing in a formation and clean uniforms far from danger, holding children and kittens. The soldiers are smiling. The prisoners about to be executed are smiling. The children and kittens are smiling. Bear and Nevvy, who are holding the children and kittens, are smiling widest of all.

So, as many have pointed out, this update was a little longer in coming. And, like I told some of the less patient individuals, this is because I was struggling to find a theme.

At which point Kazajin said "That's easy, just put screenshots of our kills and add a bunch of running jokes about me and Dan."

And yes, that is indeed what usually ends up here. But this time I'm going with something else, and we'll leave $400 Prada belts and little sisters found in motels 3 states away until next time. This front page update isn't going to be about Kazajin or Danrax.

This one's about crocodiles.

First, let's get some facts straight:


1) Crocodiles have very weak muscles for opening their mouth, so it can be held shut by duct tape.
2) They feed mostly on vertebrates like fish, reptiles, and mammals, sometimes on invertebrates like MOLLUSKS.
3) A crocodile's tongue is held in place by a membrane that limits movement. As a result, crocodiles cannot stick out their tongue.
4) The average crocodile will completely consume any human that gets within 4 feet of its mouth.

Malygos eats squid, cannot stick out his tongue, and destroys anyone that comes anywhere near his head. So according to the above facts, Malygos is a crocodile. He ALSO lives in the Matrix, and Liquid Snake lives in his beard (confirmation here and here). If that isn't the definition of a bad-ass raid boss, I don't know what is. So here's the killshot of that:

Malygos Kill

Ok, now imagine you just attempted to steal about $1500 worth of silk shirts from your favorite clothing store, by wearing all of them at once. A man at the door notices you walking out with about 17 popped collars, and gets the feeling that something is slightly out of place. Before you know it, you're missing the raid because you're in jail for the night. Your parents are NOT pleased, so they lock you in a closet without food or water. You raid from there, sure, but sometimes you see moving shadows beneath the door. It could be your mother. It could be a crocodile. It could be a crocodile HAVING SEX WITH your mother.

To tell the truth I'm not sure where that particular example is going, so let's jump to something else.

Undying Achievement

To get the Undying title, you must essentially BECOME the crocodile. Going into it with the mindset of "we're all going to play our best and get the title" is like a crocodile charging headlong at a herd of giraffes. Even if you know EXACTLY what you're doing, the giraffes will just laugh and run away and stick out their tongues, and you can't do the same in return.

Of course, you can also try to calculate probabilities and stack the group with only very specific individuals, using the sheer force of mathematics to your advantage and approaching the problem from an unexpected angle. But that's essentially like a crocodile climbing a nearby palm tree with the intention of dropping down on the giraffes from above. Best case scenario is you somewhat injure the giraffe before hitting the ground and breaking most of your ribs, or at the very least becoming stunned. At which point a man will walk up to you and begin poking you with a stick and saying "crikey!" over and over before duct taping your mouth shut.

You see, to hunt such elusive prey you have to outsmart it. Like the wise crocodile, you must gently float along the surface of a river, pretending and FULLY BELIEVING that you are a harmless log. You quietly float up to your goal, maybe dodge a cinnamon pastry that was thrown at you by tourists, and get as close as possible to that baby giraffe on wobbly legs that is bending down to drink. Then, before anyone can react, you scream at Twillside to use bloodlust, pop all cooldowns, and grab the giraffe by the neck and do a running backflip cartwheel back into the water, surfacing for a split second only to tilt your head backwards for a lasting image of baby giraffe legs kicking that will hopefully soon appear on the Discovery channel.

I figured I'd add our Kil'jaeden "killshot" from a few months ago for the sake of completeness, since it was never posted before. Unfortunately a legendary bow didn't drop, meaning that pictures of Despina in the shower that Kaz sent me are going to have to wait for a future update.

Kil'jaeden Kill

A few weeks ago some of us were at a bar, where some of us may or may not have drank Raspberry Cider to assert our manhood. The conversation turned from football and weight lifting to more manly things like "what Anubis looks for in girls", as salad was served and some of us ordered another round of Raspberry Cider with sugar. The commandments made by Anubis were written on the backs of three beer-stained coasters, which like the Mormon discs that Pezz prays to will soon start a powerful religion.

The point is, after that was done some others made similar discs. Bear's list of what he looks for in girls began with "has a tail". This is similar to his approach to most things, like raid compositions and strategies. These tend to be better and more bulletproof than anything Bake is capable of, since they use principles and theories that are made up by Bear himself and do not actually exist.

Of course, it may be just me. As Bear himself often says, "I come from a world you may not understand".

A World You May Not Understand

Until next time.