And hello Mal'Ganis.
Otherwise known as "There Are More Water Elementals In This Goddamn Auction House Than People In All Of Auchindoun's Orgrimmar". Upon logging in I went to work immediately and it took me five minutes to acquire three and half bad handjobs behind the bank in exchange for money to buy skills. And the prices! Shit, I haven't seen rates this cheap since Illside's mother's dumpling shop beneath Shattrath back in '07.
I was PERUSING the former guild website to collect content for this new one, and realized that the last update ended with something to the tune of "and in a few weeks we will be going to PAX in Boston to verify Amber's gender by lifting her tail". It is now some time after THIS year's PAX. What I'm trying to say is, for those of you paint-chip-diners (hint: all of you) who I lost to complicated calendar-math, it's been more than a year.
This is mildly problematic. Another thing that is mildly problematic is the fact that according to my poop-log sundial we are about midway into Patch Five Point Two, more commonly known as The Throne Of Thunder. This is suspicious because the update for last raid tier, Heart of Endless Spring Vaults, is NOWHERE to be found. This is because it doesn't exist. And it doesn't exist because we made it to approximately the Man That Turns You Into Amber That You Must Fight For Control before we encountered a "small problem" that eventually brought us here to Mal'Ganis to terrorize all of these poor people.
Let me paint you a picture. Especially for those from our new home that may not understand the world we come from:
Once upon a time, long ago, there was a warlock-man named Rooraman who wore rabbit ears, pink glasses, and a bowtie. He was good at the numbers and slow on the uptake but that was okay because the brain in my head is made of brain and not styrofoam and I can use it to help those less fortunate. Rooraman had a friend named Brock and another friend named Leolio. They were very good friends and worked really well together because if you combined the three of them and a jar of cabbage you would have an organism with the mental faculties of a particularly dim chimpanzee. But this was also okay, because chimpanzees were already practically the apex predators of the arena food chain.
So the three of them had an arena team. And the three of them did arena, and won games, and were in the running for gladiator, and all was right in the world. Except one day things did not go their way. One day... they didn't win at all. They did their 10 games and then Brock went off to spend time with the Girl Who Ran Away To Kentucky. Before he left he said to me, "Just keep an eye on Roo, eh? He's a little shaken after tonight's matches."
So here I am, in vent with Roo and Leo. You could hear a pin drop. Then Leo speaks: "Hey Roo, you want to do 2s?" I get the VERY VERY WARNING butt-twitch feeling that I get when I look across an empty river a millisecond before a hook is aimed at my dick, but before I can do anything Roo says "Ok. Sure. Whatever."
Match 1 doesn't go so well. Match 2 is a slight improvement, but still a loss. As were matches 3 and 4. They took a small break and put their heads together to form about two thirds of a chimpanzee and decided that they needed to mana burn the healers. Match 5 was a fluke, and the plan didn't go so well. Matches 6 through 9 showed that match 5 was not actually a fluke and consisted of Leo located equally far away from all pillars mana burning like the happiest goddamn clam you have ever seen. Fifteen seconds in he's out of mana while their healer is at 90% mana and extremely confused. There is an awkward pause, then their opponents realize that the gods have granted them a free win and put one foot in each of Roo and Leo's asses and wear them around the arena like a pair of autistic flipflops. Match 10, the last one of the night, did not take place in an arena but was actually Roo just punching a wall repeatedly. Every punch triggered his vent transmit threshold, so I could periodically hear him emitting a howl halfway between screaming and crying. He broke his DPS hand, and we needed that hand for Gurtogg, but that is a story for another day.
Basically it's like this: we have simplified the recruitment process to 1 question. We have a deep reserve of gems and enchants because having recruits supply their own is a LOFTY goal. We take LITERALLY ANYTHING off of ANY STREET and give them a gun and say "forward soldier!" and they shoot themselves in the head due to holding the gun backwards but IT DOESN'T MATTER because a hole through their head added more than it took away. What matters is that due to LFR and Obama people make their own raid schedules, which means that we got a list of Trials about 30 deep and the only one who shows up for a raid is Leolio and he reassures us that he'll mana burn Garalon's legs to help us succeed. The best part is where at least three distinct individuals loudly voiced their discontent at not using this seemingly amazing strategy, and refused to calm down even after I submitted visual proof that Mana Burn as an ability has not been in the game since the pandas came.
I have just been informed that we are at Too Many Words Not Enough Pictures. If you skimmed over the above with glazed eyes, here's an image of a typical recruit since Mists release. It summarizes the overall point I'm trying to make rather well.
Ok I am starting to get the feeling that people are catching on to the fact that I don't actually have any boss kill screenshots past Horridon for this update and that I'm just writing it to save face and make it so that the first thing new people see on our guild website isn't a killshot from 14 months ago.
We will return shortly with actual updates that involve actual killed bosses and not just a giant purple dinosaur that pees out of its mouth.