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So rumor has it that Dan has been threatened with bodily harm if this update doesn’t appear QUICK. I’m not even going to begin to try and explain this, but I figure it’s part of the Twitter experience. And pitching shady business plans to men named DOLPH and SVIRRE on Skype.

Luckily I don’t believe in Christmas, so I am free to spend the day composing yet another masterwork.



The difficulty of these first few encounters is surprisingly appropriate. They’re not really 1-shots, and at least for us the bosses died JUST AS some individuals began to transition into the "wow fuck this it’s mathematically impossible" mentality. Of course it could have just been the bulletproof planning and coordination on the part of the officers:

And we almost didn’t clear the whole place in the first week either. Monday I come home from work, pour a glass of Spanish wine, and log on to raid. There are about two and a half healers present. There is a message in my mailbox saying "don’t hate me daddy"  with a face like this ——>   >________________<   from one of the other healers and something about having to work. A status text from Brock arrives immediately afterwards with an excuse about having to take a dog he doesn’t have to a place that doesn’t exist.

I begin to feel apprehensive. As if perhaps there is going to be a revolt. See the last time this happened, Illside got not one but TWO black eyes from his wife for ditching an anniversary or some such shit for what ultimately turned out to be a canceled raid. This was NOT going to end well, and action needed to be SWIFT.

So to boost morale we kicked a couple of inactives that we had been saving for a time like this, and brought some alt healers and spent a few hours wiping in the most spectacular ways. See the purpose of that exercise was to have everyone ELSE practice, so when the real healers found themselves we’d kill the boss quickly. Which, surprisingly, is EXACTLY what happened.

Fucking Brock.

See he wasn’t always an embarrassment to the Officer rank. THIS is the Brock I recruited and promoted and loved and gave a legendary hammer to: a handsome Canadian horse-cop with a sweet dog, who not only had a hot classmate/supervisor/whatever named Allison pressing her chest against his head but who also HIT THAT on a number of occasions as the story goes.



And this here is the Brock we all know and love:

­

How the mighty have fallen.

That’s it for now. See since Blizzard decided to space out the content, I am also forced to space out the epic 3-page Arthas kill update. Until next time.

Another patch, another instance, another update. With Samba safely quarantined in a swine-flu-infected Virginia campus, business can go on as usual - so I give you Anub’arak:



The fact that we’re downing bosses cleanly and quickly is at least somewhat encouraging, considering only a few weeks ago our raids resembled the recent Vault of Bearchavon, and not the good kind. See there’s something about the end of summer that makes people go "FUCK raiding, I’d rather _________" where the blank can be filled with almost anything, usually something between "school", "work", and "trannies".

And when that happens, there’s only one thing that can be done: promote new officers, and send them to the twilight pools where the squid come to feed with a net and a checklist of questions. And before long a new FLOCK appears. Of course, it takes some time to turn a milling mass of trials into a well-oiled raiding operation. But over the course of two weeks, we go from this:



To this:



It’s an exciting time, and doing new content with new people makes an otherwise easy instance highly enjoyable. Some people may disagree, but I think that taking a truckload of sloths in boxes and making out of them a tightly-coordinated killing-machine team of ballerinas with rifles is a lot of fun.

You also have to remember that I’ve been doing this for some time. Here’s an artist’s rendition of my early elementary school years:



Of course I’m the kid with the bat and garbage-can-lid shield. We had the concept of "main tank" even back then.

You have to understand, unlike others I have a lot of faith in humanity, I believe that everyone who plays this game is a fundamentally intelligent person capable of learning, they just make mistakes sometimes.

See when I was in 3rd grade I wanted to be a crocodile. The kid sitting next to me in class liked the idea, so he bit my arm, for practice. After that I decided that crocodiles are kinda dicks. Wanting to be a crocodile was a mistake. I then very carefully elbowed him for biting me, but missed his arm and ended up hitting him in the stomach. That was another mistake. He then leaned over and threw up his carrots and orange juice onto the retarded girl with the one fucked up leg and eyes that look in different directions and she started to eat it.

Ok, I’m a bit off track here, but I think the story is more interesting than whatever point I was going to make, so I might as well finish it.

So AFTER the teacher saw the retarded girl eating my friend’s vomit she FLIPPED the fuck out and dragged me out of the room by my collar and all the way down to the principal’s office. Once there I nervously sat in a big chair waiting for him to arrive, and then inexplicably got up, peed behind his desk, and sat back down. You see, I was too scared to get in trouble for leaving the office to go to the bathroom, so somehow I got the idea that peeing right then and there in a corner of the room would somehow be more acceptable. That too was a mistake.

To my great relief there was another episode later in the day where several teachers had to wrestle a raged fat kid into that same office and he ended up urinating all over them, so my "trail" was covered. There’s a good chance by the way that the fat kid was Elaithe, but he will never admit it and I will never remember so the world will likely never know. Not remembering the situation more clearly was probably the greatest mistake of all.

Ok back on topic, for real this time. If I can get an already unstable person with a lazy eye to eat thrown-up carrots, then pee behind the desk of the most powerful man in a school of hundreds, then go on and become a successful and well-adjusted member of society then ANYONE can figure out how to move out of fire or dodge spikes that move slower than Brock clicks ready checks. It’s simple really: other than a few occasional bad decisions made in the heat of combat against giant beetles or codpiece-wearing fire men, every person is a fundamentally intelligent and well-adjusted individual with the best interests of the greater community in mind.

And then of course Bear invites me to Vault of Archavon Round 6 and shatters any illusions I may have had. Granted, I shouldn’t be too surprised, since on a daily basis I have to deal with this:



Until next time.  

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of The Front Page. Yogg-Saron is dead, and by extension, all bosses leading up to him as well.



Before this post gets too wild, I’ll start with something serious. I’d like to dedicate this server first kill of Yogg-Saron to Foxery, formerly one of our core raiders. He was involved in a fatal motorcycle accident one week prior. He will be greatly missed.

That said, I have a feeling that employers are secretly GOOGLING my name whenever I apply for a job. Though I try to rig the google search results, this front page inevitably appears somewhere near the top. Some have suggested maybe toning down the content of this front page, to make it a higher class of humor if you will, to perhaps make this here operation at least APPEAR a little more professional and legitimate.

Personally, I’d rather keep it as is and let them have a better time reading it. Because you see, people who don’t play the game and raid will never see it the same way. They will never be able to understand the denial or realization in the voice of someone that just died to rockets. Or appreciate the wonderful excuses we hear when one of our special cadets goes afk in the 3 seconds between a ready check and a pull. You see, from the outside it looks a lot like a small confused male child sitting in a corner having a tea party.

When I was younger, say 4 years old, I was with my grandparents visiting some friends of theirs. These friends had a girl my age, and my grandparents decided to get her a tea set as a gift. Now, so that I would not feel particularly left out, they got me something too: I don’t recall exactly what it was since I allegedly threw it at a wall after getting it, but more than likely it was a racecar.

Now I personally remember the details of this story very very vaguely, but living witnesses have described it as such: shortly after the two presents were opened I forcibly broke the racecar or whatever was given to me, punched the little girl in the head, and then proceeded to take the tea set to a corner where I had a tea party. Attempts to approach me during this time were met with wild screaming and throwing of various objects.

So what I’m trying to say is, raiding is basically a tea party over the internet.

Overall Ulduar is a refreshing experience after running Naxx repeatedly for a few months. In Naxx the boss would usually have to find a way to kill every single raid member to truly wipe the raid, since about 3 out of 25 people could reasonably salvage a bad attempt. Here the punishment for bringing squid tends to be far harsher. And once again the hardest encounters are those that make you fight against your fellow players. Like the man that splits your raid into two parts and puts one of them into a tunnel. Arguably the easiest fight in the instance, but I don’t think we’ve yet had an attempt where everyone that was supposed to be in the tunnel actually ended up there. The best we can possibly hope for is for the stupidity to balance itself out, meaning that those who stayed outside are balanced by an equal amount of "stowaways" looking to visit Egypt.



The later, more difficult encounters are essentially the continuation of Loken’s legacy. In addition to this Ulduar is also a place of great mystery - beneath the circular Walkway of the Watchers sits a suspiciously empty room, at the center of which is the woman from Scholomance, whose purpose is at first not entirely apparent. And as such, to combat these new foes, a very special kind of weapon needed to be brought in.

From the sand-beaten flats of Khloo-poon, the land of ents and Wickerwhims, comes a man in a tattered robe, leaning on a cane. Around his belt hang containers of various sizes and descriptions, filled with exotic wines and spirits that grant him tremendous power. On his back hangs a flag with a picture of a cat. It is said that in the slurred speech of this powerful warlock lie the answers to the secrets of the Woman and Loken.

And then of course there’s Yogg-Saron himself, a well-tuned encounter with interesting mechanics, the best being where you fuck up and the whole raid turns into anteaters. If you weren’t one of the very privileged few that got a chance to go insane on that fight, believe me, you’ll know when you see it.



And so, it’s off to hardmodes for us. Well, I guess before then we’ll probably have to kill Yogg-Saron again, which seems a little tenuous as of this writing. My theory is that the excitement of a first kill was too much for some people, and a number of individuals are still missing. Gleppars for instance went on what was described as a "cock-sucking trip" to LA, and there are theories that Eggbeater got lost at a gay bar. Well, actually FOUND at a gay bar, if you know what I mean. But back on topic: I’m not sure what the updates will look like for the less interesting hard modes, but in any case I’ll keep a checklist:

Until next time.

First things first. Sartharion with 3 drakes is dead. The screenshot is terrible, I know. My first plan was to photoshop Boxxy onto it, but after several days I realized that joke wasn’t going anywhere. So instead we have the original screenshot as is, unflattering as it may be.



Then again, there is something of value in killshots like this. Ok, imagine a war. This is basically a photograph of a battlefield. You see the soldiers, battered but victorious, some of them not looking at the camera, some of them dead, some in several pieces. Regular killshots, cleaned up and cropped and airbrushed, are like the soldiers standing in a formation and clean uniforms far from danger, holding children and kittens. The soldiers are smiling. The prisoners about to be executed are smiling. The children and kittens are smiling. Bear and Nevvy, who are holding the children and kittens, are smiling widest of all.

So, as many have pointed out, this update was a little longer in coming. And, like I told some of the less patient individuals, this is because I was struggling to find a theme.

At which point Kazajin said "That’s easy, just put screenshots of our kills and add a bunch of running jokes about me and Dan."

And yes, that is indeed what usually ends up here. But this time I’m going with something else, and we’ll leave $400 Prada belts and little sisters found in motels 3 states away until next time. This front page update isn’t going to be about Kazajin or Danrax.

This one’s about crocodiles.

First, let’s get some facts straight:

CROCODILE FACTS:

1. Crocodiles have very weak muscles for opening their mouth, so it can be held shut by duct tape.
2. They feed mostly on vertebrates like fish, reptiles, and mammals, sometimes on invertebrates like MOLLUSKS.
3. A crocodile’s tongue is held in place by a membrane that limits movement. As a result, crocodiles cannot stick out their tongue.
4. The average crocodile will completely consume any human that gets within 4 feet of its mouth.

Malygos eats squid, cannot stick out his tongue, and destroys anyone that comes anywhere near his head. So according to the above facts, Malygos is a crocodile. He ALSO lives in the Matrix, and Liquid Snake lives in his beard (confirmation ­here and here). If that isn’t the definition of a bad-ass raid boss, I don’t know what is. So here’s the killshot of that:



Ok, now imagine you just attempted to steal about $1500 worth of silk shirts from your favorite clothing store, by wearing all of them at once. A man at the door notices you walking out with about 17 popped collars, and gets the feeling that something is slightly out of place. Before you know it, you’re missing the raid because you’re in jail for the night. Your parents are NOT pleased, so they lock you in a closet without food or water. You raid from there, sure, but sometimes you see moving shadows beneath the door. It could be your mother. It could be a crocodile. It could be a crocodile HAVING SEX WITH your mother.

To tell the truth I’m not sure where that particular example is going, so let’s jump to something else.

To get the Undying title, you must essentially BECOME the crocodile. Going into it with the mindset of "we’re all going to play our best and get the title" is like a crocodile charging headlong at a herd of giraffes. Even if you know EXACTLY what you’re doing, the giraffes will just laugh and run away and stick out their tongues, and you can’t do the same in return.

Of course, you can also try to calculate probabilities and stack the group with only very specific individuals, using the sheer force of mathematics to your advantage and approaching the problem from an unexpected angle. But that’s essentially like a crocodile climbing a nearby palm tree with the intention of dropping down on the giraffes from above. Best case scenario is you somewhat injure the giraffe before hitting the ground and breaking most of your ribs, or at the very least becoming stunned. At which point a man will walk up to you and begin poking you with a stick and saying "crikey!" over and over before duct taping your mouth shut.

You see, to hunt such elusive prey you have to outsmart it. Like the wise crocodile, you must gently float along the surface of a river, pretending and FULLY BELIEVING that you are a harmless log. You quietly float up to your goal, maybe dodge a cinnamon pastry that was thrown at you by tourists, and get as close as possible to that baby giraffe on wobbly legs that is bending down to drink. Then, before anyone can react, you scream at Twillside to use bloodlust, pop all cooldowns, and grab the giraffe by the neck and do a running backflip cartwheel back into the water, surfacing for a split second only to tilt your head backwards for a lasting image of baby giraffe legs kicking that will hopefully soon appear on the Discovery channel.

I figured I’d add our Kil’jaeden "killshot" from a few months ago for the sake of completeness, since it was never posted before. Unfortunately a legendary bow didn’t drop, meaning that pictures of Despina in the shower that Kaz sent me are going to have to wait for a future update.

A few weeks ago some of us were at a bar, where some of us may or may not have drank Raspberry Cider to assert our manhood. The conversation turned from football and weight lifting to more manly things like "what Anubis looks for in girls", as salad was served and some of us ordered another round of Raspberry Cider with sugar. The commandments made by Anubis were written on the backs of three beer-stained coasters, which like the Mormon discs that Pezz prays to will soon start a powerful religion.

The point is, after that was done some others made similar discs. Bear’s list of what he looks for in girls began with "has a tail". This is similar to his approach to most things, like raid compositions and strategies. These tend to be better and more bulletproof than anything Bake is capable of, since they use principles and theories that are made up by Bear himself and do not actually exist.

Of course, it may be just me. As Bear himself often says, "I come from a world you may not understand".

Until next time.

So it’s been a few weeks since our last outing, and, the day we managed to marshal enough squid to form a raid we cleared the Dread Citadel:



I’m not going to post screenshots of all of the bosses, because quite honestly, they don’t deserve it. There’s a problem when it takes longer to explain a fight than to do it. There’s a problem when you not only 1-shot a boss with 25 people alive, but also manage to get an achievement you never knew existed. Even Thaddius, the biggest squid net in the instance, goes down within half an hour of attempts. Four Horsemen are simpler than Attumen the Huntsman, Sapphiron was done without people knowing what "frost resist" MEANS, and the mighty lich Kel’Thuzad would have died on the first attempt if I had been looking at void zones instead of attempting to cast vigilance on squid across the room.

But this front page update isn’t about Naxxramas.

It’s about a man named Loken.



Ah, Loken.  A hatsmith by trade. The last boss of Halls of Lightning, for those unaware. Danrax and his trusty companion Tom Brumbler have tracked this man across the millennia, battled him across worlds. Together they have succeeded where whole armies failed. Just ask Dan sometime when he’s been drinking. He’ll tell you a tale and show you the scars. He travels here and there they say, joining channels on vent silently when he senses a Loken encounter to be in progress. He listens, without saying anything, feeding on the tears and failure of squid, chuckling to himself as he pours another glass.

Let me explain to you how a typical encounter with this man goes.

You enter a large circular room with coffered ceilings. A giant model of the world spins in the center, glowing with light, as golems and constructs patrol about. At the far end of the chamber a set of stairs and a pulsing white line lead to a large rune-etched throne, on which sits a man made of stone. He idly taps his fingers as he waits, head leaning on one hand. When you approach, he laughs, and speaks of worlds which he has shattered, whole empires and civilizations of squid turned to ruin. Rising from the chair, he holds up one hand-

-and then you void your bowels, and realize, and unconsciously say out loud: "We’re all about to die".

And then, as you hesitantly charge to meet him, one of two things happens: either somebody stands too close when they shouldn’t be, or too far away when they should be humping his leg. THAT PERSON becomes a hat, instantly, hitting the ground faster than a holy priest in Primal Mooncloth healing during a pull. Or, in this new age of raiding, faster than Rooraman on the wrong side of Thaddius.

Ah yes, Rooraman. This post is about him too. A man that was once the most powerful warlock in the guild and probably the world, with a throne rivaling Loken’s. A man who has seen better days. Now he watches us fight the Lich King’s lieutenants, looking upwards from the ground, from the spot generally reserved for Nevvy in raids past. Due to a phenomenon described only as "affliction combos", and having to play from a laptop after his liquid cooling system "drooled", this man can be counted on to be dead every single time, on every single fight.

Well, some say, it’s not THAT bad. I mean, how many fights do we realistically go through with having all 25 people alive?

You don’t seem to understand. This man is GUARANTEED to be dead. "24-manning every encounter" does not even begin to describe it - this isn’t dying once per boss fight, this is dying multiple times PER TRASH PULL. Per pull of ONE MOB. If you were to count, I would not be at all surprised if the inhabitants of Naxx killed Roo 3 times for every one of them we killed. Everything you can possibly die to in that instance, this man has died to. Everything you CAN’T possibly die to, this man has found a way to die to. He dies outside of combat, he dies without taking damage, he dies to HEALING SPELLS, and attempts to resurrect him usually end up autoreleasing him and/or dropping him from the internet.

Back in Burning Crusade, in the days of SSC, we had a running joke about Bear dying 5 times in two Lurker attempts. That, I am sad to say, is nothing now. Now, we raid with 8 druids. EVERY ONE of those battle rezes is used on Roo, every fight. He is given more healers than the tanks, he is given a cane and a seeing-eye dog to guide him around and show him what is bad to stand in, and still, if I turn around for ONE SECOND, he trips and falls and lays waiting for a rez and a repair bot in a puddle of drool.

This man spaces out in the 3 seconds between a ready check and a pull, which conveniently places him in an alcove with a group of angry undead. Needless to say he gets torn into about 15 parts on the spot, and said undead, with pieces of Roo still in their teeth, proceed to wipe us on Kel’Thuzad before he is done making his intro speech. Note that unlike the drawn-out monologues of Kael and Illidan, his speech consists of "Minions, servants, soldiers of the cold dark- obey the call of Kel’Thuzad!".

I can’t even find a picture in my collection to describe the level of fail here. Here’s one anyway, though Roo hanging in power lines I’d consider a great success compared to some of the things I’ve seen this man do.



Up next is a powerful dragon man with a beard, who might take a staggering FOUR attempts to kill, making him the hardest boss in the game by far. Stay tuned. I for one can hardly contain the excitement.